Err... poem?!

[Miril]

What is this?-an object, a feeling, a goal, a destination?

It mocks and laughs, the meanings hidden away

Its elusive beauty and the wonderful benevolence of its warm embrace

Of the muddled clarity

Seen through a dirty glass, its ripples distorting reality’s misshapen grin

The rhythmic beats of dialogue before a stifled sniffle and a short breath

It is undeniably disconcerting

It is Happyness

well, sorta shitty day, lots of my friends are upset
wrote this just now... don't usually write poetry but i felt like it for err... other reasons..
what d'ya think? haha

[Samuel]

I like the emotions your putting across, very nice.

Only thing you need to let it flow more. Sounds like your forcing yourself to think to hard, you don't need such a structured sentence.

Just let it go, and write from the heart.

[Miril]

thanks Sam, organized it differently to try and make it flow + deleted some things

What is this?
An object? A feeling?

It mocks and laughs,
the meanings hidden away.
Its elusive beauty, and the wonderful benevolence
of its warm embrace...

The muddled clarity
seen through a dirty glass,
its ripples distorting reality’s misshapen grin,
the rhythmic beats of dialogue just before a stifled sniffle,
and a short breath.
It is undeniably disconcerting.
It is Happyness.

[Samuel]

Much better!! Good work. Flows nicely. Much easier to read.

Awesome revision. =)