[Short Story] My Shadow Hides At Night - Written By Zach Eades [Me]

[GFX Medic]

My Shadow Hides At Night
By:Zach Eades

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The pelting rain drops burned my eyes, looking up at the night sky as if i were searching for something that wasn't there. If only there was a sign that stated, "Happiness And Hope, This Way." I was alone, I was always alone. I no longer expected anything of this world, and the world no longer expected anything out of me.

It was almost midnight, but it was never dark on the streets of newyork. The street lights supplied me with a night-light, the daily newspaper as a blanket, the bus stop as a bed, morning traffic as an alarm clock, and the few dollers generous people give to me for food. Unfortunantly, you get used to it after following the same routine everyday, every week, every year.

My favorite part of the day was sleeping. The only time i could ever see what was of my life long ago. You see, i wasn't always like this. It Happened about 4 years ago. My parents were on their way to hawaii for their second honey moon. The plane malfunctioned and crashed. It was then only me and my sister, May. At the time i was 18 years old, she was only 16.

Everything was fine for awhile, i maintained my dads buisness up at the bike shop, May stayed in school. I don't think i could have done it if it were just me. We depended on each other for everything. We didn't have any extra money, it was a treat for the both of us when i sold a bike, and got a little extra cash. We would walk into town twards 8pm, and pay a visit to our favorite ice cream place. We always got the same thing everytime. I would get a scoop of chocolate, and she would get a scoop of mint n chip. We were doing alright. Unfortunantly... life doesn't work that way.


One night we were going for our ice cream. As we walked out of the store, my sister started walking abit ahead of me. She could never relax. Turns out there was a robbery around the corner at bank of america. The robber was headed our way. May jumped in the way, trying to stop him. He shot her. In seconds she was dead... How could it take 9 months to be born, but only 1 split second to die. Stupid Sis', why did she have to do the right thing, the world gave her nothing. And in return she gave the world her life. If she would have just minded her damn buisness! I wouldn't be soaking wet, sitting in the rain, worrying about how i'm going to stay alive! It could have been okay! I could have had enough money to afford what i wanted, she could have already been in college studying only god knows what! If only.


What was that guys problem, why was he doing what he was doing, what was his problem! what kind of freak would do such a thing! Or maybe... Or maybe he wasn't a freak, maybe he needed the money, maybe he... Maybe he was like me, no hopes, no dreams, nothing to look forward too. What ever happened to him? He got away with thousands and thousands of dollers... And he was never caught. Maybe money does buy happiness. Just maybe. The bank was still open, if there was one thing i do own to my name, it was my dads old freedom arms revolver. What did i have to loose? At least in jail i will have 3 meals, a roof over my head, and a bed. I was going to do it. And i wasn't going to get caught.

I got everything ready, i marched into that bank with no emotion. There was 2 bankers, an older security guard by the front door, and a 1 way ticket to paradise. "Good Evening Sir, Would you like to deposit or take out?" The nice young lady asked from behind the thick glass. "Give me the money." i said in a demanding voice. "Im sorry what was that?" she replied, not quiet sure what i have stated. "Give me the money!" I grabbed for my revolver, and swung it into the air. "Give Me The Money!" My voice was starting to get more aggresive. They all started to panic, they didn't know what to do. They knew it was no joke.

"One moment, Just Please Sir Don't Do This..." "Shut Up And Give Me The Fucking Money!" i yelled back at her. The Security Guard was running twards me, "Get On The Fucking Ground!" he got on the ground. The lady rushed to the door, the other lady under the counter. She put the bag in the room seperating the lobby and the back space. I walked in making sure the door behind me stayed open... and that i was the only one going in. I grabbed it and quickly ran out the door. There were sirens, getting closer and closer! Where was i going to go... I guess i didn't think i would get this far.

I Quickly Turned The Corner, "Freeze Put Your Hands Up!" A Voice From Behind Me Shouted. I Turned around with my revolver in the air.... It was a Girl. A Young Police Officer... Couldn't Have been any older then i was.... My Gun Pointed At Her.... Hers Back At Me......

[gr4ph1kP4ND4]

i like it a lot
great fluidity and a good story line
heres my critiques:
if your sister died, you would have been much, much more devistated than one paraphraph's worth of description. elongate her death scene to add more emphasis on how it affected this guy's life. also emphasize the irony that they kid was going to get ice cream when his sister died (innocence versus reality)

relate the police officer to his sister, add more anger from the kid to his sister for "going off and getting killed". if you add that anger, then relate the police officer to his sister, it'll add more drama, because in a sense its revenge.
take out the bang, you dont need that final sentence we get it from the sentence before that


i love it your writing style is great, i give a lot of critiques but what i'm telling you would bring this from a 98/100 to a 100/100, its not like its bad at all

[GFX Medic]

ha thanks =]. yeah i didn't used to have the "bang" in there. until i posted it on myspace and about 4 people asked. wtf happend.

bang is for the people that are abit slower ^.^ hehe. and the reason i didn't really add alot to her death is because its not really the point of the story. its not the main sequence. i already in the first and 2nd paragraph said enough about how it effected his life. i wrote about it before it happend ^.^

anywho thanks for the the comments. i really apprechiate it. im going to write another short story pretty soon =]. and i will definantly use those as advice in my next story.

[gr4ph1kP4ND4]

the whole point of taking away the bang is to leave it at a cliff hanger ^.^

i think for the most of it, just add a little more insight to his emotions and the time frame doesnt have to be so fast, you can slow down and speed up certain parts by adding details. for instance

I Quickly Turned The Corner, "Freeze Put Your Hands Up!" A Voice From Behind Me Shouted. I Turned around with my revolver in the air.... It was a Girl. A Young Police Officer... Couldn't Have been any older then i was.... My Gun Pointed At Her.... Hers Back At Me......

cont'd from above...
her blue eyes followed me and her piercing shouts filled my ears
"Drop the gun!"
the barrel of her handgun glinted in the light, and the red and blue lights flashed violently behind her.
"Sir! Drop the gun or I will be forced to fire!"
instincts caught me, anger washed over me and memories flooded back. my gun was raised by an arm, my own arm. the barrel was aimed straight to her head, and i heard a chorus of clicks as the officers at the scene prepared to end it - as they prepared to end me....

it takes nine months to be created, and just one second to die.

end

lol <3

i still love it x)