This Could Work

[cC.ShorterGFX]

Well this is my first ever poem. So be as harsh as you can with the CnC. I s'pose i added a little part to what i was feeling into it.

This could work
My arms clenched around you,
Pleading myself not to let you go
Yet I know,
Someday I’ll have to
But I wanna lock the door

Just the thought of having you forever,
Is like an eternal award
But I have to keep you happy,
For you to truly be assured

Keeping the happiness will be tough,
Maybe even a little rough
But all that doesn’t matter,
As long as our time will never shatter

A life with you,
Is a life worth living
Whether it be a life of taking,
or life of giving

You’re the one who is so clever,
The one I love, I know
The one I want forever...

[Vicious Zen]

Kay, if you truly want harsh CnC, I'm gonna go all out on this one. Just because I love poetry so much. Also because I want you to continue trying poetry, and improve yourself as a writer. It's a beautiful form of art, but it's easy to get frustrated with sometimes. Especially when you start putting up your work for critique, so don't give up.

It's always good to base poems off of real feelings, helps to really let things show through. However, it takes a lot of really well thought out sentences to craft a really good poem. To be honest, it seems like you rushed this. A lot of your lines feel very cliche. Especially with the rhyming. Don't feel like you're forced to write in rhyme just because it's a poem, it's very hard to do a good rhyming piece without your lines feeling forced, and unneeded.

Here, I'll just dissect it piece by piece.

This could work
My arms clenched around you, (For something like this, think of some more adjectives. What do the arms look like? Frail? Muscly? How are they clenched? Tightly? Softly? )
Pleading myself not to let you go (cliche line, and bad sentence structure. I think something like "Pleading myself to never let you go.")
Yet I know, (if you rhyme, it's generally important to keep a good flow. This line ends too suddenly compared to the one before it. The rhyming wording feels very forced because of this.)
Someday I’ll have to
But I wanna lock the door (cliche image, to be totally honest. Everyone's heard a song or a poem with a line like this in it.)

Just the thought of having you forever,
Is like an eternal award
But I have to keep you happy, (As a general rule, it's better to show the emotion, instead of stating it. Showing it would instill a stronger mental image. However, if you deem that stating it is acceptable for the purposes of the poem, happy, as an emotion, is a very very basic way of stating the emotion.)
For you to truly be assured (Okay, you've got better flow in this one, but your wording needs to flow a little smoother in the last line. Like instead of "truly", even a simple switch to something like "really" could make it sound phonetically smoother.)

Keeping the happiness will be tough, (repeated word, "happy" "happiness." Try and avoid those.)
Maybe even a little rough (very forced line, using words like maybe leave you with a feeling of uncertainty, doesn't really fit the style of the poem. Should be stronger)
But all that doesn’t matter,
As long as our time will never shatter (Flow is off on these two lines again. Try and keep your syllable counts closer when rhyming.)

A life with you,
Is a life worth living
Whether it be a life of taking,
or life of giving

You’re the one who is so clever, (Again, show the audience, don't just tell them.What makes them so clever? Even the smallest example could be very powerful)
The one I love, I know
The one I want forever... (Cliche line, but truthfully very hard to avoid in this type of poem. It's kind of an easy out at the very end however, which doesn't make for a very strong close. On the contrary, however, it could be very powerful to the intended recipient of such a poem. :P So, something like that is kind of a double edged sword.)

[cC.ShorterGFX]

Thanks alot for the CnC You sure sound like you know what you're talking about so i'll be sure to take it all in and try again. Thanks again

[Applejuice]

I read poems from time to time, but I don't give CnC like Vic Z does.

Nice, I think that ViZ already said everything :O

[Necrothalass]

Can i get the PSD?
Lol JK