Wiseman

[JDragon]

Another old one of mine I found while digging through my comp trying to find some inspiration for the poetry slam :P


A wise man once said,
give us thanks for our daily bread,
now that wise man's dead,
so I give him thanks instead,

I look into my history,
To see who believed in me,
Only to see a shadow of the past,
A creeping thing staring aghast,

The world crumbles at out feet,
Onlookers stare from the street,
Curiousity disables ability to leave,
Sights that make it hard to breath,

But what rights belong,
In a world where you can do no wrong,
A shame it has to be this way,
If the wiseman were here today, he'd cry at the blasphemy.

[Takken]

I think in the latter part of the poem its begins to go a bit off however the concept is rather good, and it describes the world in a very short, albeit general, way.

Hopin' to go against you in the poetry slam. Nice stuff.

[JDragon]

Yeah I'm hoping so too lol gonna keep working at the poem for the poetry slam and thanks for the feedback

[Ebrithil]

some of your lines have a lot more syllables than the others.

each word should be important in poetry, don't just put something in because it sounds good, try and keep things coherent and cohesive.

BTW, what's the poetry slam?

[cC.DOMINO™]

some of your lines have a lot more syllables than the others.

each word should be important in poetry, don't just put something in because it sounds good, try and keep things coherent and cohesive.

BTW, what's the poetry slam?

http://www.gfxvoid.com/forums/showthread.php?t=72422

This is a bi weekly poetry battle in the new poetry forum, look out for the next round


nice poem JDragon, this one is very well written and makes the reader interested right away, keep writing more, and hope to see you keep entering the slam.

[JDragon]

yup yup as long as I got some type of inspiration for the theme I'm sure I will poetry isn't my strong suite but I do enjoy writing it at times, you're better at it though. Can't wait to see more of the talents I've seen thus far on this forum.

[edwinpabito]

cool poem