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Kinda
i yeLL at MY shoes for being so poor.
mY win 98 256 color computer makes my eyes Sore.
my girl lives to far.. i wish i had a goddamn car.
so Until then i will just continue to hate.
to continue to love and as my world continue to take.
to continue to be and continue to see.
that the world to some people, may be nothing without me.
hmm...i'm not the best on commenting on poetry...but something just seems off about this rhythm. It's kinda random, so work on how things flow. You show some promise as an author though, keep trying.
i dont feel what you feel emotionally when reading the poem, you need to create more visualizations in your writing. don't just let people know what you are feeling, be more vivid so they will actually feel and understand what you are feeling. make sense?
Kinda
so less talk and more description
='| it was so.... BEAUTIFUL! ::Sniffle:: bravo man! i love your work, not only graphic wise.
supply the reader with enough descriptive lines so that they can picture your emotion. example:
your hate was as sharp as a knife,
slowly peircing flesh and bone,
draining my heart, my soul, my life
you were my biggest foe...
i dont know if that example helped. but i hope it shed some light.
