Im here to tell a joke

lol, nice Metalskin...

Q. Why can't Hellen Kellar drive?
A. She's a woman.

Q. What's the difference between a Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A. It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Q: What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway?
A: A nun with a javelin through her head.



Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

i love the religious joke :D

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "That's not a wheat field, we have wheat fields that you can drive across for a week before you get to the end. Everything is big in Texas!"

Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have these longhorns, they would be at least twice as big as these poor excuses for cattle. Everything is big in Texas!".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "What in Gods name are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "They're grasshoppers mate, don't you have any of those in Texas?"

Good stuff, guys! :P Here is one!

Q. Can Jessica Simpson screw in a lightbulb?

A. ... ... ... ...

P.S. It isnt MY bad joke.

An Aussie tourist visiting New Zealand notices a farmer goin' at it with a sheep in a nearby field.

The Aussie is taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The Kiwi farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"

i got one...

There was 3 guys who died, all of them were really good friends two of them are really smart but one of them is very stupid....since they're dead, they are on their way to heaven but once they are at the gates to heaven satan appeared and said "you can only pass if you can answer my riddle" so the satan POOF up a chair with 9 holes shaped like a square.

Then the satan sat on the chair and farted. so the satan asked the first guy "which hole did my fart when out from" then the guy said "thats easy, its definately from the one in the center" satan said "too bad sucker, its hell for you"

Then satan farted again and asked the same question to the second guy and the guy said to satan "it has probably got to be the one at the bottom right, because your sitting more to the right" and satan said "WRONG.........wow for someone with a phd you cant even answer this....lets see how lucky your last friend is" so the second guy was sent to hell.

Finally the last guy....satan asked the same question when he farted "where did my fart came out from" and the guy answered "your ASSHOLE?"....satan said "OMG, WTF......."

Walking through the bush Gary and Bruce came across a dingo licking its privates. After watching for a few minutes Bruce said to Gary, "Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life."

A bemused Gary looked at him and said, "Go ahead mate, but I'd pat him first. He looks pretty vicious to me."

Quote:

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Originally posted by weasel@41 Minutes Ago
Good stuff, guys! :P* Here is one!

Q. Can Jessica Simpson screw in a lightbulb?

A. ...* ...* ...* ...

P.S. It isnt MY bad joke.

[snapback]111080[/snapback]

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I'm pretty sure she's extremely experienced at screwing things...







I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

So, there was this bus of school girls that went off a cliff. All the school girls are at the Pearly Gates and the angel guarding them says, "Since you are all school girls, you cannot have done anything too bad, if you have touched a wang, dip your part of your body that you have used to touch it in the holy water, and then you can go in." So the first girl goes up and says, "Well, I once TOUCHED a wang" and she dips her finger into the holy water. The second girl says, "Well, once I HELD a wang", so she dips her hand in. Suddenly there is a great commotion and a girl runs to the front. The angel says, "Why the rush, my child? You will get in!" The girl says, "I just want to gargle the holy water before Jenny dips her ass in it!"

Q: How does Jesus masturbate?
A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]

Q: What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A: A bigger parish.



Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"




An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

When their car broke down a Jew, an Indian and an Australian knocked on a farmer's door to ask for accommodation for the night. "I only have room for two, one of you will have to sleep in the barn," said the farmer.

"Alright, I will," said the Jew.

But 5 minutes later there was a knock at the door. "There's a pig in the barn, I can't sleep in there," said the Jew.

"Okay, I'll go," said the Indian.

Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There is an un-sacred cow in the barn," he said.

"No worries mate, I'll go," said the Australian.

Five minutes later there was yet another knock at the door. It was the pig and cow!