Im here to tell a joke

Here is a very funny joke, in poor taste. I tell it to everyone, so I thought I would tell it to you all.

So, there are these three girls and their father. The father is sitting in the kitchen when the first daugter comes in and says, "Daddy, why am I named Violet?". The father says, "Well, the first thing that happened to you when you were born was a violet petal fell on your head." Then the second daughter comes in and says "Daddy, why am I named Rose?" And the father says, "Well, the first thing that happened to you when you were born was a rose petal fell on your head." Then the third daugter comes and says "Aggggggguuuulllmenfdthsfsd!" And the father says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

It is a lot funnier with the proper timing, but I hope you all enjoyed it. If any of you are from the Human Rights Movement, I expect an angry letter. Cheers!

This guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel hacking out of his pants.

The bartender is quite amazed at this and says to the guy "hey mate, you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants".

The guy looks down at the steering wheel and sighs, saying "yeah i know mate, it's driving me nuts".

LOLOLOLOLOL! Points to MetalSkin! Anyone else have a good joke?

Hah metal, i've heard that one. OK howwabout this.

OK, so your driving on your flapjack, when the cellfone goes but the doghouse needs fixing. Three axles to the inning and the out doesn't count. How many oranges?

The answer is of course:

NO! Fish don't Have ears!!!

riiiiiiight... doesn't that belong in the abstract area??? :D

Three peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.

I have heard that one. It still doesnt make sense. Its almost as bad as the similar one:

Q. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Fish, because ice cream has no bones!

Q. What do you call three blonds lined up ear to ear?

A. A wind tunnel!

Q: Why Iraque loose the war with usa?

A: cause, with soviet machines, they took also soviet tactic: step back and wait on winter :lol:

So three girls are running from the cops, since they just stole some cash. There is a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. While running they notice a barn and decide to hide in there. The redhead hides with the cows, the brunette with the chickens, and the blonde hides in a potato sack. The police come in and go over to the cows, "Anyone there?" The redhead calls back, "Moo, moo". So the police move over to the chicken coop, "Anyone there?"
Brunette, "Cluck, cluck cluck"
Police, "Okay, anyone in the potato sack?"
Blonde, "Po-tae-to...po-tae-to!"

a dyslexic man walks into a rab

An agnostic dyslexic insomniac lays awake at night questioning the existance of dog.

lol lol... i like it illegalx17... very my kind of joke.

Q. How do NewZelanders find sheep in long grass?

A. Very very nice.

in NZ, they have a ratio of about 15 sheep to every person

i didnt get this one

Two girls, a blonde and a brunette. They are about to rob a bank. The brunette says, "Are you sure you know what to do?" The blonde confirms yes. About 10 mins later the blonde bursts out of the bank, dragging the safe that is tied to a rope. The security guard runs out after her with his pants down. As the girls drive away, the brunette says, "You idiot! I said TIE UP the SECURITY GUARD and BLOW the SAFE!"

oo oo i have a joke!

An irish man walks out of a pub of his own free will. . .

lol... nice.

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain".

"That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH that one is freakin awesome! Nice!

Q. what's hellen keller's dog's name?
A. Rowughaahr

lol that's fucked up

Q. Did you know hellen keller had a tree house?

*person says no*

A. Neither did she.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by ilovecoheed@9 Minutes Ago
Q. what's hellen keller's dog's name?
A. Rowughaahr

lol that's fucked up

Q. Did you know hellen keller had a tree house?

*person says no*

A. Neither did she.

[snapback]111047[/snapback]

---

^^WTF?!

Here is the worst joke yet.

Q. What goes 99, clunk...99, clunk?

A. A centipide with a wooden leg!

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores.

Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love. One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong. "Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".

"Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"Ok"

"And my trousers?"

"Ok"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips. "OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"Okay dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging'"

lol, nice Metalskin...

Q. Why can't Hellen Kellar drive?
A. She's a woman.

Q. What's the difference between a Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A. It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

Q: What's black and white and red all over, and can't turn around in a doorway?
A: A nun with a javelin through her head.



Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."

i love the religious joke :D

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "That's not a wheat field, we have wheat fields that you can drive across for a week before you get to the end. Everything is big in Texas!"

Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have these longhorns, they would be at least twice as big as these poor excuses for cattle. Everything is big in Texas!".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "What in Gods name are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "They're grasshoppers mate, don't you have any of those in Texas?"

Good stuff, guys! :P Here is one!

Q. Can Jessica Simpson screw in a lightbulb?

A. ... ... ... ...

P.S. It isnt MY bad joke.

An Aussie tourist visiting New Zealand notices a farmer goin' at it with a sheep in a nearby field.

The Aussie is taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"

The Kiwi farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"

i got one...

There was 3 guys who died, all of them were really good friends two of them are really smart but one of them is very stupid....since they're dead, they are on their way to heaven but once they are at the gates to heaven satan appeared and said "you can only pass if you can answer my riddle" so the satan POOF up a chair with 9 holes shaped like a square.

Then the satan sat on the chair and farted. so the satan asked the first guy "which hole did my fart when out from" then the guy said "thats easy, its definately from the one in the center" satan said "too bad sucker, its hell for you"

Then satan farted again and asked the same question to the second guy and the guy said to satan "it has probably got to be the one at the bottom right, because your sitting more to the right" and satan said "WRONG.........wow for someone with a phd you cant even answer this....lets see how lucky your last friend is" so the second guy was sent to hell.

Finally the last guy....satan asked the same question when he farted "where did my fart came out from" and the guy answered "your ASSHOLE?"....satan said "OMG, WTF......."

Walking through the bush Gary and Bruce came across a dingo licking its privates. After watching for a few minutes Bruce said to Gary, "Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life."

A bemused Gary looked at him and said, "Go ahead mate, but I'd pat him first. He looks pretty vicious to me."

Quote:

---

Originally posted by weasel@41 Minutes Ago
Good stuff, guys! :P* Here is one!

Q. Can Jessica Simpson screw in a lightbulb?

A. ...* ...* ...* ...

P.S. It isnt MY bad joke.

[snapback]111080[/snapback]

---

I'm pretty sure she's extremely experienced at screwing things...







I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

So, there was this bus of school girls that went off a cliff. All the school girls are at the Pearly Gates and the angel guarding them says, "Since you are all school girls, you cannot have done anything too bad, if you have touched a wang, dip your part of your body that you have used to touch it in the holy water, and then you can go in." So the first girl goes up and says, "Well, I once TOUCHED a wang" and she dips her finger into the holy water. The second girl says, "Well, once I HELD a wang", so she dips her hand in. Suddenly there is a great commotion and a girl runs to the front. The angel says, "Why the rush, my child? You will get in!" The girl says, "I just want to gargle the holy water before Jenny dips her ass in it!"

Q: How does Jesus masturbate?
A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]

Q: What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A: A bigger parish.



Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"




An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.

"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.

St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"

When their car broke down a Jew, an Indian and an Australian knocked on a farmer's door to ask for accommodation for the night. "I only have room for two, one of you will have to sleep in the barn," said the farmer.

"Alright, I will," said the Jew.

But 5 minutes later there was a knock at the door. "There's a pig in the barn, I can't sleep in there," said the Jew.

"Okay, I'll go," said the Indian.

Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There is an un-sacred cow in the barn," he said.

"No worries mate, I'll go," said the Australian.

Five minutes later there was yet another knock at the door. It was the pig and cow!

Q: What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head?

A: Syst-o-matic

RAb XD :lol:

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after
and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank
beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

Q. There in a ship ate a bird egg then it sang lullabies to green dogs

A. ... i wish it never ate my pie ....

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor i think i have AIDs"
The Doctor says, "Hmmm i think i have a cure for this..."
The man replies, "What is it?"
The Doctor says, "Well first of all for the next two weeks eat nothing but curries, lots and lots of high in fibre foods, peanuts, anything you name it!!"

The man asks, "will that help?"

Doctor says, "no, but it will show you what your ass is for"

(got told that one by my guitar tutor :lol: )



A man is in a pub with his mate and says "hey i had sex with a great girl last night, she was on the tracks"

His mate asks, " woooahh what did she look like?"

Man replies, "i don't know i didn't find her head" :lol:

A nun is in a shower and she hears a knock at the door, she can't find a towell so she just goes straight down.

When she's at the door she says, "who is it?"

A man replies, "it's a blind man"

She says, "oh you poor thing" with him being blind she opens the door...

man says, "nice tits love, where do ya' want ya' blinds"