No idea..

[Deadloader]

Ok i need some kind of medium to tell people why i'm soo fucked up right now. I really liked this girl for so long.. like we talked online for ages and she had a crush on me and stuff and then began to really like me and i was the same.. though i knew she liked me.. i didn't tell her i felt the same way i mean we've hung out and stuff and then she had a boyfriend well really it was weird because they'd been seeing eachother for like 3 years which apparently is not going out but just really close.. they don't kiss or stuff like that.. just majorly good friends obviously, then they went out for 3 weeks and this was about 2 weeks ago but she kept telling me how it wasn't working out and stuff and so she wanted to split up i gave her some advice but she went and broke up with him.. he got mad and shouted at her and stuff and got angry with her and just wouldn't talk to her. Ok so me and her started hanging out a lot more just the two of us, and it was really amazing..

So then anyways on this friday night we went out to hale and hung around with all these people i never knew all of them infact hardly any because i never usually go to hale but i went because i didn't want to go home i jsut wanted to be with her.. she had some alcohol but not alot.. and i mean hardly anything.. but still a bit tipsy, anyways she kissed me and i didn't want to .. i was pretty nervous but then we just went for it, her ex boyfriend was like there too though he wasn't anywhere near us when i kissed her and such.. and apparently he was way upset and stuff and he was moping around didn't speak to her or anything.. then the next day i went into town.. now i hadn't been in town for ages and i wanted to not be so nervous whilst being with her so i got drunk and we kissed and he saw so he was all tryign to get attention and stuff.. and cried i didn't notice.. but it's like he was playfully flirting with a bunch of girls anyways trying to make his ex jealous (the girl i really like) anyways.. very inebriated i asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes.. so bahh i got home and i talked to her online and i still thought she had feelings for her ex (though she didn't really because he'd been such a dick to her) and then i got scared and told her i dind't think i wanted to go steady with her.. so like i didn't really break it off but i didn't want a full on relationship which i honestly.. didn't.. understand but anyways so because i said that she (i don't know how) had some thoughts and told me she really wants her ex back because he loves her so much and she's in this big dilema about choosing some guy who loves her yet was having a miserable time with yet she has feelings for him, or me and she thought i only just started to like her except i have liked her for soo long..

Anyways i've been real down because she told me if i hadn't told her i didn't want a relationship she wouldn't feel for her ex.. so i'm really bummed out that i fucked up once again.. and also because i realised that without her i felt like shit.. i really did.. you would say it's jealousy about her ex but i've played it through my mind soo many times.. and i really do have strong feelings for her.. i've been moping around the house i'm not going into college tomorrow because i just want the week to be over with so i can go out at the weekend see her and get fucked up..

I've got this sick feeling in my stomach constantly because i love her so much i can't eat and when i do i feel sick.. i think about nothing else but her and everything that happens i always seem to refer it back to something about her.. my favourite song reminds me of her and i just get down when i listen to it because i feel so sick i just want to cry, i keep checking my phopne to see if she's called or text me, and i've spent the past hour in my bathroom just sat at the edge of my bath staring at the floor/mirror just thinking.... and when i look at her photos i just want to hold her so bad.. I can't sleep, concentrate, anything.. to top it all off i have the worst fucking cold of the century.. it's really messed up i'm not thinking straight (i'm not suicidal by far) but fuck i've told her how much i feel for her and how i'm sorry i said that but she still has feelings for him.. i mean i have a fucking excellent chance of being with her and stuff because he might not take her back.. (if you've read so far then you're a good reader) It isn't like me to be this crazy over someone.. I'm usually so happy even when i'm sad i manage to laugh or smile my friends can do that.. i mean they've helped cheer me up but it's just like a placebo i just want it so i can meet her by myself and tell her how i've been feeling at then she'd just be with me.. but man i can see it happening soo clearly and i want it to but i just have trouble with this waiting until the weekend to see her.. i mean i could go out with her anytime to tell her but she's out with jess this friday and i'm going into hale to see her and jess and fuck i'm soo messed up i feel slightly better writing this but it won't last for long.. I want her so bad it hurts.. i felt this was a good place to end this..