The American Dream

[†john316†™]

here is a poem i wrote in literally like 15mins
maybe 20mins max
because it was a assignment for 1 of my classes that we had to do during class
to speak of american culture or society etc...

anyways here we go

American Dream

Perfection, perfection, perfection
To constantly be ostracized because of imperfection
Perfection, perfection, perfection
The american dream

Its advertised everywhere
They say "sex sells"
It influences the young
Having little girls sell their souls to go under the knife
The belief that is beauty in strife

The say "no pain, no gain"
But you have to sell your soul for change
What ever happen to beauty is only skin deep
America has forgotten about the beauty underneath

Thoughts of oppression and suicide
The reliance of drugs just to get by
The American dream seems more like a social genocide

These aren't just random words
But and american collage

To constantly be turned down or pushed aside
To try to fit in, but never fit society's laws

The American Dream?
or a social genocide

thanks thats all
^_^

[[PHXN] New001]

Not bad at all. I'm not too much of a poetry critic, but I believe you did a good job.
My main criticism would be your strained vocabulary. In the first verse/stanza it's very apparent. Obviously since it's for a class, I can understand the reason for this. However I would try not to let this desire for "bigger and better" words impede the overall flow of the piece.

[†john316†™]

0.o
lol i see what you mean
but that's just honestly how i write
idk why ^_^

not trying to use advance vocabulary
but that's just how i talk and write

at least when i'm in a serious mood

but thanks for your CnC
and i'm glad you enjoyed it

[Metal1]

I think its really good. A lot to take in. I can't really rate it b/c im not really a peom critique either, but i know its really good. Go to some poem forum and asked for it to be ratedd there lol.

[†john316†™]

lol i didn't really care for it to be rated
just thought i would share ^_^

i was just something i made for a school assignment

0.o and once i get my paper back
i have another 1 for you all
^_^

[Papa]

That's actually really cool. But i think there is a bit of s tereotype that poets use a lot of big words. I would try to stay away from them. I think you used a lot of them very well. You should talk tyo samuel next time he's on..He most likely knows more about poetry than anybody here..lol.

[†john316†™]

hmm ok thanks
but i honestly don't think i threw out alot of big words
but again that is opinionated

but im glad you enjoyed it
and sure i would love to talk to another poetry enthusiast

[Immortal.]

very nicely done my friend.

[†john316†™]

thanks immortal
^_^

[a3.]

The American Dream?
or a social genocide

^_^

what a way to end....good poem nice, simple and effective